The disclosed computer-implemented method for efficiently classifying data objects may include (1) receiving a data object to be classified according to a group of rules, where each rule includes one or more clauses, (2) creating, for each rule, a rule evaluation job that directs a rule evaluation processor to evaluate the data object according to the clauses within the rule, where the rule evaluation processor evaluates the clauses in increasing order of estimated processing time, (3) submitting the rule evaluation jobs created for the rules to rule evaluation queues for processing by the rule evaluation processor, where the rule evaluation jobs are submitted in decreasing order of estimated processing time, (4) receiving an evaluation result for each rule evaluation job, and (5) in response to receiving the evaluation results, classifying the data object according to the evaluation results. Various other methods, systems, and computer-readable media are also disclosed.